Who Says You Are Not Good Enough

Say goodbye to the self doubters & find yourself & your tribe.

Hello, thank you so much for joining me here. I am exceptionally grateful to my paid subscribers who enable me to devote the time to writing my Substack, and find it useful having access to sharing that goes a bit deeper. I always worry that the paid element will scare people away - and am delighted to have all my free subscribers follow along too. I hope you are all finding information that is useful - please do get in touch if there is anything specific that you would like me to chat about - I want it to be helpful and inclusive and welcome the interaction!

Image: A Quiet Corner. Styling Ali Heath. Image Alun Callender.

I sat in our garden last night writing this - the first evening we have managed to sit outside, (we’ve just completely redone our garden and are very excited - another story) - and it felt lovely to feel the evening sun on my skin after months of being inside. It was a choice of chatting with you about outdoor living (my original intention) but after a lovely life conversation with a friend on Friday, I decided that the long weekend was actually a great time to talk about something more reflective when we all have a little more time and headspace to think about our own journey and where we are headed.

How many times in your life have you heard these words from someone else:

'But do you think you can actually do that?'
'Wow but can you really commit to that?'
'No you can't do that, you're not good enough.'
'Really! Do you think you you will really be able to write a book!'
'Well good luck with that!'

My first encounter with this type of mentality was at school. My French teacher thought I was hopeless, I wasn’t great - but with encouragement and help I could have been better. My German was no better but my teacher was amazing. I hankered after a life as an adult living in the mountains, and she gave me and a friend extra lessons, helped us to get a job in a youth hostel in Germany at 16, and at 18 and 21 I was off on two ski seasons - one on a year off and the other during a summer holiday at uni - doing German as part of a business degree. My French - well it died a death and is the worst form of pigeon French on holiday - because I allowed someone to put doubt in my head. Now - I will do something about that at some point when I have more time.

It shows the power of positive thinking - when someone believes in you and gives you the drive to think big and see what it could lead to at the end of a long road of hard work. It was a valuable lesson for me - and I remember coming down a mountain - albeit badly - thinking I shouldn’t have listened to my French teacher.

Since then, as we have all experienced - most of us will have come up against individuals who make us feel not worthy. We bought our dog 12 years ago, and I remember clearly a friend saying well we’ve talked about it and when you can’t cope we will have him! I don’t think they had any idea of how odd that sounded - and would not intentionally be trying to upset - but it sews the seeds of doubt. And now when someone does that to me - it has the opposite effect.

Have you watched the film - The Pursuit of Happiness, with Will Smith? There is a famous line and I keep this close.

"Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you you can't do something. Not even me. Alright? You got a dream. You gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want something, go get it. Period." Will Smith 

When you hear the doubts the first thing that happens is your confidence feels the most almighty whack and you can often literally feel your body recoiling inside. It leads to feelings of frustration, upset, irritation, annoyance, and if you allow those jabs to work their way in, you can start to allow self doubt to wobble you. When it’s a friend or someone whose opinion you usually value, it can smart and hurt. And when it’s a colleague it can make you feel unworthy and small and to question:

Who am I to think I can?
They are probably right?
Why did I think I could possibly try?
Get back in your box Ali, it's ridiculous you even thought you could give it a go...

Sound familiar? Most of the time many of these opinions being shared with you about your dream or plan, are mostly delivered without malice or any bad intention. In fact the usual cause is because someone else is projecting their fear onto you. They couldn’t imagine doing it, and so question you. But sometimes it is because your freedom of expression and desire to grow out of you own comfort zone, actually scares them, because they wouldn’t be brave enough, and by making you feel small and incapable, it stops them feeling bad about the fact that they would never try.

When that happens those flashes of insecurity need to be batted back up to the heavens, ready for your guardian angels, and supporters to send back down a rain shower of stars - covering you with all the positivity vibes of - YES YOU CAN!!

Image: Marnie Hawson for CURATE book.

Now having been in industry for a while I think it is why I love to do the mentor work I started last year. I am staggered how many amazing people doubt themselves. Confident, creative, capable individuals who you would never think have insecurities about moving forward. It’s a safe space to share. Confidential, guiding and hopefully helps to put them back on track. Often they have the answers but need the confidence to trust themselves and some strategies for how to implement new ways of thinking to make things happen. I love it and I know that part of that stems from being humble about my own journey - not having an ego and not being arrogant, means you have to push yourself a little harder to believe in yourself and your possibilities. But if you have the drive and the stamina it can pay off.

If you would like a taster of what my personal ways of navigating away from the conversations that make you feel unworthy and not good enough, then read on below. Follow them and I promise you will feel lighter, more positive and encouraged to go forward.

MY TIPS FOR AVOIDING THE IMPACT OF THE DOUBTERS:

1. Don’t let them know that they have upset you. Dig deep, thank them for their opinion - then choose the most upbeat song on your playlist, put on your headphones and walk out the frustration they have caused within you. By the end of the song I guarantee you, you will feel motivated, driven, ready to prove them wrong. Remember not all our ideas and dreams do work - but no one can fault you giving it your all and if you don’t you will never be able to prove them wrong.

2. Get your head in the game. You have to steadfastly believe in yourself to begin. There will be wobbles - it’s part of it. But keep telling yourself I can, and you will.

3. Set clear goals for what good looks like. Then turn up each day and deliver on what you said you would commit to.

4. Use the negative energy as your driving motivation. Remember how it made you feel. Don’t allow it to do that again.

5. Don’t look at the doubters with anger. Look at them with pity. Who wants to be the damp squid throwing water on someone else’s fire.

6. Be the lion. Roar don’t squeak. That sounds a bit aggressive - I don’t mean it confrontationally - I mean it from a leader stand point. Be the person outwardly that you want to be even if you are squeaking inside.

7. Surround yourself with good people. Those who love you for your wild dreams, and aspirations. They are your tribe. And their support, motivation and belief will carry you through the harder days/months/years, when you are pushing to make something happen.

8. Accept criticism with open arms. Feedback will make you stronger, and there will often be valuable insights within it. Use it to improve and grow stronger and into a better version of you. Don’t take it personally, defensively or push it away.

9. Stay persistent and resilient. This is the key to success. Move forward and onward no matter how hard and how small those steps. Setbacks, disappointments, challenges and failures are a given. But every time you take another step you are one foot closer to making a giant leap.

10. Seek mentors. You can’t always do everything yourself, or see the bigger picture fully, because you are so immersed in the detail. Guidance, support, mentoring can help you navigate choppy waters. I have had mentors my whole life, and will continue to seek out the advise of those whose opinions I value. It’s a strength not a weakness.

11. Self-improvement is a life skill that will help nurture your potential. Never stop working on your creative and technical skills and knowledge. We can always learn more and it will help to build your confidence and open your eyes to new possibilities, that may enhance your journey.

12. Stop belittling yourself. You are strong and and capable. Just because you are not formally trained does not mean you cannot do something.

13. Gumption is gold. I love this word - I have always encouraged our kids to have it - and for me it is a defining word that makes me dig deep and dream big.

14. Don’t take yourself too seriously. What’s the worst that can happen? There is no harm done trying! Life is too short. Worry is energy zapping. Positivity is life enhancing. Humour will get you through the tricky people and more difficult stages of trying to bring something to life.

15. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. Look in the mirror, dance around the patio in the sunshine today saying it out loud, put on the headphones and walk with a determined stride down that lane - confident steps that say I am on my way, and no one is going to stop me having a go.

So on that note I am going to enjoy another glass of wine in the sunshine ready to send this to you tomorrow - now today! Please believe - our heads are busy enough, to not let the external doubters in. They have no place in your ambitions, your dreams and your success. Your tribe, including me, will be there cheering you on - confident in the knowledge that if you want it enough you will make it happen.

With much love and happy bank holiday. Ali x x

Image: Ali Heath

As a lover of storytelling, words and images, I am excited to be able to communicate and share with you in a longer form way, as an extension to my instagram feed, and am grateful for those supporting me with a paid subscription. After having worked in interiors and many related fields for over 20 years, since leaving the corporate world, I am looking forward to sharing many of the valuable things I have learnt, and have helped me pivot since starting my own company; along with insights, learnings and creative direction, that I hope will inspire you too.